TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally away from position. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A further place where by American Guys can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he should really quit applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional Trump Tower Damascus brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from space, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting focus from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge the place my PTSD may have convert-down company."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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